Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

There is a crazy 50-something year-old man carrying all his possessions with him, trying to stay on campus. He used to be a student years ago but he has long since maxed out his financial aid and is apparently 80 grand in debt. Hence we would not give him on-campus housing. This mad man has been harassing departments over the phone and it is suspected that he is lurking around campus. (I state again, Alaska is the number one state for rape and assault.) We have affectionately named this man “the wanger.”

There are a lot of potential wangers walking around the streets of Alaska. Yes there are a lot of men up here, but like RIT, the odds might be good, but the goods are odd. Well some of the people here are just odd. I need to start leaving my camera in my purse, because on the way to the restaurant last night we drove past this house with antlers and fur all over the roof and lawn. Classy.

We went to dinner at Humpy’s which is dubbed the best brew house in Alaska. Humpy’s was dumpy and crowded but the beer was awesome. I had raspberry wheat, and I also tried some pyramid Apricot. Because the place was so crowded, these old ladies who had spent their retirement check at the bar before we even got there came and sat with us and started talking to us. One was probably mid 50’s, the other late 60’s, and they had a guy with them who was probably 30. Before these cougars could give us any life advice, they left us to go hit on younger men.

Then we dropped off the tempo and walked from our apartment to a nearby local bar, the blue fox. At 10 pm when we left it was just as bright as the afternoon in Boston. We decided to take the short cut though the woods, over the snow mounds and over the beaver-chewed trees. Only Katie fell and got covered in mud, but it was funny cause it wasn’t us.

The Blue Fox is a townie bar and oh did we meet the locals all right. (A lot of potential wangers here.) I blame Holly because she wore bobby pins in her hair which make her both angel-like and a magnet to crazy people. Let’s see there was the drunk guy next to us who swore he owned the place yet paid for all his drinks and didn’t know James Brown was dead; the grandma and grandpa who loved our country music selections, especially me and Kristen’s version of Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy; the cancer-victim who I thought was a guy but name is Eleanor who sang every sad, depressing, song in the book; and then there was the men.

John- probably 40 something year old guy who wore a yellow and blue Hawaiian button shirt with black and red spandex pants, a fanny pack, and a head light like a surgeon or night bike rider would wear. (No I am not making this up.) He had messy long hair and smelled like he hadn’t taken a shower in the past week or two. He was our first admirer. Why, oh because we were singing Karaoke. Holly and I started our troupe off singing George Michael’s Faith. When we came back, Holly met John who kissed and cuddled her hand to his face. Poor Holly kept bumping into him. He sat in the front row and was swinging his arms and cheering us on. He later came to our table and proceeded to tell us which celebrities we looked like.

Mike was a 25 year old skinny white kid who seemed pretty drunk but not too far off from how he probably would have acted sober (a little behind in education, and realizing he isn’t eminem) He also was attracted to Miss Holly. He sat himself down and invested in our conversation. At work we have a code word that we tell our staff to say when they are on the phone with us in front of a difficult customer, “I can’t seem to find the moose file.” This was a lost moose file situation.

Then when Holly went on doing her duet of Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard light with Jeff, the guy running the Karaoke (the only non-shady person at the bar). During that, a 60 year old man dressed as a cowboy with horrible teeth asked Katie to dance. She, still covered in mud, refused but Kristen obliged and the two went on stage dancing behind Holly. Well apparently Mike thought it was a good idea for him to join them and he started grinding behind Holly on stage and licking her. Holly looked mortified on stage but kept singing. Jean and I were ready to rush to the stage and lay the smack down, but luckily Jeff beat us there and asked the little punk to go away. Yeah we left shortly after that. We walked back to campus at around 2 pm, which was the first time we saw darkness in Alaska. Even then the sky was navy blue and you could see the sun coming up and some daylight in the distance. We locked our doors tight to make sure no wangers or bar men followed us home, then went to bed.